Coin of Death

Same as the coins, life and death always come together. 

When you are born, you have to accept that one day you will be dead.
No negotiation, No compromise! 
(Well,, of course if somewhere along the way you happen to turn yourselves into vampire and stay immortal, you probably not need to keep up with this).


I, till this second of time, are afraid of death. Not about me leaving this (not always) perfect world but about me who couldn't bear the feeling of losing people i love. 


recently, i've watched few films that accidentally brought the dying and death issue. 
those films gave me the two sided story about death, which then taught me that death also had its two side of a coin.  Each sides gave you different perspective of death. i wouldn't say those two are contrast. They both were just kind of different..


From the leaver's  point of view, 
i learned  that hearing the word of you dying was like the feeling of mega tons of weights had fallen on you. It was bloody hard.
You tried to deny but then you had no other choice other than trying to deal with it. You cried a lot, You suddenly had to carry  the teary eyes with you 24/7 but then you realized that the only thing you could do was just chin up. 
You were angry with everyone, yourselves and in some point with God, to put you in this kind of circumstances, but then you got tired of angry then became silent.
But most commonly, you were going to ask the ultimate question 

why me?

Tired of asking this question, you slowly try to embrace this situation and start to think about your leaving. You started to make a list about what you wanted,,

I want to leave my loved ones in peace, safe and sound situation.

I want my loved ones to say their good byes with the smile and best memory of me.

I want my loved ones to say " (s)he had a best adventure in life rather than crying out loud for me leaving them" .... So the list went on....

I, fortunately, hadn't been dead or even close with any near death experiences, but somehow i knew how it felt. 
Surely, near the end of your life you would think about what you have done and hoped that all the good deeds are perceived good. 
Surely, you wanted  people who know you to remember your good sides and to forgive your bad ones. 
For a moment, you might want them to miss you while you weren't there. but obviously you didnt want them to cry over you for quite a long time.. 
You surely wanted them to miss you deep in their heart,  but you  still wanted them to move on.




From the alive person's point of view, (typically the close ones)
I learned that you would never EVER say

i'm ready to let you go, even if you said it out loud, because you would never be ready for losing someone you love.  

You might try to take few steps back of  your dying loved ones, because the feeling of losing inside you, became more intense and it was unbearable.
You might also get closer, because you thought that maybe there would be no tomorrow for you two. 
You tried to make your loved ones happy, made all the wishes come true and smile real wide when s(he) was happy. 
And in 1 point, the ultimate question of 

why not me? 

came across your mind. Saw your loved ones in pain were devastated, so instead of having the feeling of "i'm useless. i can't take away the pain" you prefer to offer yourself for change. You knew it would not work, but you kept doing it anyway.


You tried to accept the condition, but you couldn't help yourselves but being alert every time your phone beeped, afraid that "the time" had  finally came. 
You also tried to accept the condition, for it was gonna release your loved ones from pain, but still the idea of it made you burst into tears. 

So what exactly death is about? 
Truthfully, i don't know what it really is. 


But what i understand is, 
Death is a sign of living. 
even tough, death makes us apart, it never really does. 
Because nothing could separate anything, as long as the heart and memory bounds.