Questioning me

I thought about quiet a lot of things tonight. 
One second i thought about what i should write in my client's report,
Next second, i thought about the tomorrow's schedule
The other second, i thought about how i was gonna run the client's intervention

Then 

Stimulated by a television program, i was giving myself a question about

what have i done in my life?

Have i done great?

Did i make a foot step in someone's life? 

As quick as this question arose, i dropped a statement to myself

Nhira, You've been questioning this matter for years. Still, you haven't found the answer. 

Then i started thinking,,
if i haven't been able to answer this question, then what went wrong?
Why i haven't figured out the answer?

Why?
I still got no clue.

 

Why?

Perubahan di Kopi Enak

Banyak orang bilang, perubahan itu adalah sesuatu yang baik. Beberapa lainnya, menyanggah.
Beberapa orang bilang, perubahan itu mendewasakan. Beberapa lainnya bilang, tidak.
Beberapa orang bilang, perubahan itu memerlukan adaptasi besar-besaran. Beberapa lainnya berkata, tidak juga.

Lalu?

Jujur, aku sendiri memilih untuk memandang perubahan itu dari sisi tengah.
Terkesan cari aman dan diplomatis, tapi memang itu perspektifku.
Menurutku, perubahan itu tidak selamanya sesuatu yang baik. Tapi ini akan menjadi sesuatu yang baik, selama kamu memang memilih untuk melihat sisi yang terbaik, sisi yang akan membuatmu berkembang.
Perubahan itu memang mendewasakan, bagi orang-orang yang memang mau berkembang bersama perubahan itu. Bagi yang tidak, silahkan menangisi perubahan yang terjadi. Kamu tidak akan dipaksa untuk berhenti,
Perubahan terkadang memerlukan adaptasi besar-besaran (kalau diperlukan), dan apabila kamu termasuk orang yang suka melakukan perubahan dari hal yang kecil dan perlahan, silahkan.. Ini hidupmu.. Caramu..  Tanggung jawabmu..

Aku sendiri telah mengalami beberapa kali perubahan daam hidupku.
Perubahan tempat tinggal, perubahan pemikiran, perubahan gaya hidup, perubahan jam tidur, perubahan tugas, perubahan orang-orang dan perubahan gaya komunikasi.

Perubahan gaya komunikasi?
Yap... ini salah satu perubahan yang cukup signifikan dalam hidupku akhir-akhir ini.

Semenjak awal 2011 lalu, aku beralih dari pengguna handphone sejuta umat menjadi pengguna handphone pintar. alasan awal pergantian ini karena aku sadar bahwa aku yang pelupa ini membutuhkan sesuatu yang bisa membuatku lebih teratur dan pastinya barang ini tidak akan (paling tidak, peluangnya kecil untuk) tertinggal. Akhirnya, pilihanku jatuh pada handphone robot hijau.

Ternyata robot hijau ini begitu pintar, karena selain membantuku mengatur banyak hal, dia juga mampu untuk mendekatkanku dengan banyak orang. berbagai aplikasi yang selama ini kumainkan via laptop, sekarang masuk ke dalam handphone ini dan membuatku menjadi bebas untuk berbicara dengan teman-temanku kapanpun dan dimanapun (selama baterai masih cukup :P)

Salah satu teman yang sangat aktif aku hubungi via aplikasi handphone adalah teman-teman Kopi Enak. Kami sampai memiliki satu grup khusus di aplikasi yang menghubungkan semua handphone pintar kami, sehingga kami bisa saling berbicara sepuasnya. Terhitung sejak 2011 yang juga ditandai dengan makin tingginya mobilitas masing-masing dari kami, saling menyapa di grup adalah satu hal yang bisa membuat kami lepas dari rutinitas dunia nyata.

Terkadang, pembicaraan yang kami gulirkan begitu sederhana. "Hanya" seputar hal apa yang kami lihat, hal apa yang terjadi pada kami (yang saat ini terbagi menjadi 3 kota berbeda), kegalauan kami, ucapan selamat atas prestasi yang berhasil diraih, rentetan doa serta tips saat salah satu dari kami akan menghadapi sesuatu yang penting, ucapan semangat, merayakan ulang tahun virtual dengan menempelkan berbagai macam emoticon, share foto makanan, foto pemandangan dari kamar kos, foto acara kantor, foto landmark satu kota/negara yang kami singgahi bahkan sampai merancang satu organisasi untuk tabungan pahala di masa depan (Amin!).

Semua hal itu, terjadi hanya melalui handphone kami.
Kami hanya cukup menekan icon aplikasi di handphone dan voila,,, ada orang-orang disitu yang akan membuat hati dan bibir ini tersenyum.
Kami bahkan tidak perlu repot mengatur jadwal masing-masing supaya bisa mengobrol panjang, cukup mengetikkan beberapa kata di grup dan yang lain akan merespon layaknya kami sedang duduk di satu meja.
Memang terasa ada yang kurang, karena kami tak bisa langsung bertatap muka. Tapi, tampaknya membaca ketikan kata-kata dari handphone teman di ujung sana, sudah sangat jauh lebih baik daripada hanya menahan rindu untuk mengungkapkan isi hati. 


Sampai detik ini, aku masih bahagia dengan perubahan gaya komunikasi ala kopi enak ini. Sangat bahagia malah, karena kami bisa tahu dunia orang-orang yang kami sayang dengan lebih dekat. 


To You, Kopi Enak...
Kalau dalam #FilosofiKopi ada yang namanya Kopi Tiwus, yang artinya Walau tidak ada yang sempurna, hidup ini indah begini adanya.

Aku berani bilang, kalau dalam sejarah hidup kami, akan selalu ada kalimat

Kopi apa yang selalu anda rindukan? 

KOPI ENAK

Artinya: 

Keakraban, Dukungan, Doa, Harapan dan Kebahagiaan terbalut dalam kehangatan persahabatan

Kopi Enak, Januari 2012

 

Kopi Enak, Desember 2011

Kopi Enak, Maret 2012

Jika... Maka...

Jika kekuatan dan kesabaran seseorang itu genetik, 

Maka aku adalah orang yang sangat beruntung karena memiliki keluarga besar seperti yang aku punyai sekarang. 

Jika ketegasan, kelembutan dan ketabahan seseorang itu dapat diwariskan melalui hubungan darah, 

Maka aku adalah anak yang harus selalu bersyukur karena memiliki kedua orang tuaku. 

Dan, 

Jika aku diberi wewenang untuk memilih jalan hidupku kembali

Maka aku tak akan memilih jalan lain, selain jalan yang aku lewati sekarang. 

Cukuplah ini semua bagiku.

Cinta sederhana

Ternyata, menunjukkan rasa cinta itu nggak perlu keluar banyak biaya,
Nggak perlu juga kata gombal.

Terkadang, hanya perlu satu tindakan seperti

Tturun dari pesawat yang ditumpangi, lalu berjalan cepat dengan nafas tercekat menuju pintu keberangkatan sebuah maskapai penerbangan, menekan nomor 08XXXXXXXXX3 dan berkata
"pesawatmu sudah berangkat? Belum? Kalau gitu, tunggu sebentar ya. Ini sudah menuju tempat check in"

Berdesakan di antrian masuk sambil kepala menoleh ke kiri dan ke kanan, tak peduli betapa sakitnya paru-paru yang rakus menghirup oksigen di tengah keramaian.
Saat wujud yang dicari tiba, barulah bahu yang tegang perlahan mulai relaks.
"Belum boarding kan pesawatnya? Ini buat kamu *sambil menyodorkan oleh-oleh penganan kecil*"

Sederhana ya?
Ya sederhana..
Tapi nggak semua orang mau bersusah payah untuk berlari-lari dan mengejar jadwal boarding pesawat, hanya untuk memberikan sebuah oleh-oleh.

Sederhana ya?
Ya sederhana..
Dan aku bahagia, karena bisa mendapatkan perlakuan penuh cinta ini dari Mamaku.
Terima kasih Mama,,
I Love You :-*

Coin of Death

Same as the coins, life and death always come together. 

When you are born, you have to accept that one day you will be dead.
No negotiation, No compromise! 
(Well,, of course if somewhere along the way you happen to turn yourselves into vampire and stay immortal, you probably not need to keep up with this).


I, till this second of time, are afraid of death. Not about me leaving this (not always) perfect world but about me who couldn't bear the feeling of losing people i love. 


recently, i've watched few films that accidentally brought the dying and death issue. 
those films gave me the two sided story about death, which then taught me that death also had its two side of a coin.  Each sides gave you different perspective of death. i wouldn't say those two are contrast. They both were just kind of different..


From the leaver's  point of view, 
i learned  that hearing the word of you dying was like the feeling of mega tons of weights had fallen on you. It was bloody hard.
You tried to deny but then you had no other choice other than trying to deal with it. You cried a lot, You suddenly had to carry  the teary eyes with you 24/7 but then you realized that the only thing you could do was just chin up. 
You were angry with everyone, yourselves and in some point with God, to put you in this kind of circumstances, but then you got tired of angry then became silent.
But most commonly, you were going to ask the ultimate question 

why me?

Tired of asking this question, you slowly try to embrace this situation and start to think about your leaving. You started to make a list about what you wanted,,

I want to leave my loved ones in peace, safe and sound situation.

I want my loved ones to say their good byes with the smile and best memory of me.

I want my loved ones to say " (s)he had a best adventure in life rather than crying out loud for me leaving them" .... So the list went on....

I, fortunately, hadn't been dead or even close with any near death experiences, but somehow i knew how it felt. 
Surely, near the end of your life you would think about what you have done and hoped that all the good deeds are perceived good. 
Surely, you wanted  people who know you to remember your good sides and to forgive your bad ones. 
For a moment, you might want them to miss you while you weren't there. but obviously you didnt want them to cry over you for quite a long time.. 
You surely wanted them to miss you deep in their heart,  but you  still wanted them to move on.




From the alive person's point of view, (typically the close ones)
I learned that you would never EVER say

i'm ready to let you go, even if you said it out loud, because you would never be ready for losing someone you love.  

You might try to take few steps back of  your dying loved ones, because the feeling of losing inside you, became more intense and it was unbearable.
You might also get closer, because you thought that maybe there would be no tomorrow for you two. 
You tried to make your loved ones happy, made all the wishes come true and smile real wide when s(he) was happy. 
And in 1 point, the ultimate question of 

why not me? 

came across your mind. Saw your loved ones in pain were devastated, so instead of having the feeling of "i'm useless. i can't take away the pain" you prefer to offer yourself for change. You knew it would not work, but you kept doing it anyway.


You tried to accept the condition, but you couldn't help yourselves but being alert every time your phone beeped, afraid that "the time" had  finally came. 
You also tried to accept the condition, for it was gonna release your loved ones from pain, but still the idea of it made you burst into tears. 

So what exactly death is about? 
Truthfully, i don't know what it really is. 


But what i understand is, 
Death is a sign of living. 
even tough, death makes us apart, it never really does. 
Because nothing could separate anything, as long as the heart and memory bounds.

5 Bulan

5 bulan telah terlewati, Kawan 

5 bulan yang penuh mata panda karena kurang tidur

5 bulan yang diisi tawa lepas saat ada hal lucu yang terjadi

5 bulan yang seringkali diisi dengan linangan air mata saat akhirnya kita mau untuk membuka sedikit tabir diri kita pada teman sekelas kita 

5 bulan yang penuh dengan jurnal, presentasi dan makalah 

5 bulan yang penuh kehebohan saat kita harus berhadapan dengan HPP serta laporan 

5 bulan yang penuh kata TEMAN-TEMAN,,, SEMANGAT YA... KITA BISA!! 

5 bulan yang  mengenyangkan (serta membulatkan) perut 

5 bulan pemberian materi yang mengasyikkan, menarik juga terkadang membosankan 

5 bulan...

Yang terasa seperti bertahun-tahun 

Mengapa? 
Karena aku merasa bahwa aku berubah dari Nhira yang dulu menjadi Nhira yang sekarang. Bukan perubahan yang sangat ekstrim sampai membuatku tidak mengenali diriku sendiri, tetapi perubahan dalam diriku yang membuatku lebih nyaman dan lebih enteng dalam menjalani kehidupan ini. 


Sampai detik ini, aku masih kaget dengan fakta bahwa hanya dalam waktu 5 bulan, aku bisa mulai melepaskan diri dari kepompong diri seorang Nhira.

Hanya 5 bulan ,untuk membuat seorang Nhira yang dulunya pelit membagi cerita dunia internalnya menjadi seorang Nhira yang sudah mulai membuka pintu dirinya kepada dunia luar 

Hanya 5 bulan, untuk membuat seorang Nhira mengakui bahwa dirinya penuh dengan mekanisme pertahanan diri, distorsi kognitif serta inkongruensi. Sesuatu yang dahulu akan ia coba sangkal saat ada orang lain mengatakan itu padanya 

Hanya 5 bulan, untuk membuat seorang Nhira begitu menghargai emosi-emosi di dalam dirinya, bahkan Nhira sudah bisa menyapa kebanyakan emosi negatif yang ia rasakan. Lagi-lagi, ini adalah sesuatu yang biasa Nhira abaikan 

Hanya 5 bulan, untuk membuat Nhira berani mengutarakan rahasia terbesarnya kepada orang lain 

Hanya 5 bulan, untuk membuat Nhira mengerti bagaimana rasanya afek datar

Hanya 5 bulan, untuk membuat Nhira bisa menangis untuk permasalahan yang dahulu sering dianggapnya remeh 

Hanya 5 bulan, untuk menjadikan Nhira mulai mengenal dirinya 

Hanya 5 bulan, untuk membuka mata Nhira lebar-lebar bahwa Allah itu begitu mencintainya karena telah menempatkannya di mapro klinis 8 

Hanya 5 bulan, untuk membuat Nhira mencintai Mapronis 8 dengan sepenuh jiwanya. 

Samuel Taylor Coleridge mengatakan  

"Friendship is a sheltering tree" 

Bagiku,, 

Mapronis 8 is my own personal sheltering tree, for it always giving me space to shade for a while before i continue walking for greater journey

Terima kasih untuk semua proses yang telah kita jalani bersama 5 bulan terakhir ini, Mapronis 8 

Terima kasih untuk cinta tanpa syarat yang telah kalian ajarkan 

Dan Terima kasih untuk mau berbagi bersamaku 

Intervensi Komunitas Kelas Mapronis 8

The Bali Trip

BALI TRIP!!!!
 

I had a very wonderful moment to finish my year of 2011.
On the 21st-23rd of December, i and 10 of my friends in Master of Professional Psychology got the chance to be participants of 2nd International Conference of Indigenous Cultural Psychology in Bali. We've done many things, but our main purpose was to present our research, which were our bachelor thesis research. 

It was really amazing experience. We -11 of us- were all women and you can imagine how chatty it was to be near us on the bus. For this kind of event, Mas hakim was the only one witness of this (not so) surprised conditions. 

We started this experience, waaaayyyyy long ago, about 3 months ago when our head of Clinical Department in Master of Professional Psychology, Bu Bo, offered us to send our research's abstract to the committee  of 2nd ICICP. So there we were, bunch of innocent people tried to deal with the luck and we made it. We got the letter of acceptance. Because of the "storm" called Psychodiagnostics Block came to our way, we ignored this LOA and we indulged ourselves into the beauty of PSD. 

So, about a month before the conference, we realized that it was the time for us to made our mind, whether we were still going or not. Done with the thinking and we said "what the hell,, let's give us a chance". Then, we hurried things up, did the payment, coordinated with few people about the accomodation, transportation and stuff and finally we ended up with the result that: 
1) we're gonna take the bus for the round trip
2) we booked rooms at the very affordable price hotel, near Udayana 
3) we were gonna rent the motorcycle while we were there

As it was fixed, we were pretty much settle. a week before the conference, we started to be anxious because we hadn't done any preparation about the presentation. Especially me. i was gonna take this presentation as nothing to lose presentation. this kind of thinking stucked in my head for few days UNTIL i read the presentation schedule and found out that i was in the same session with MANY EXPERIENCED SPEAKER. Aaaahh,,, i felt like i wanted to roll over the floor and cried -No Kidding!!!-. 

Long put short, we finally came to the day of departure. With the psychosomatic symptom in me, i convinced myself that i was gonna be OK, no matter what. So off we went to Bali with Safari Dharma Jaya Bus. It took us about 22 hours to arrive at the Bus Station in Bali. We continued our journey with Angkot to reach Udayana and the Hotel. Mind you, this angkot was full with bunch of travel bags and 12 people. Imagine how crowded it was :))

The Bus

 

 

Sunrise from the ferry to Gilimanuk Bali

The Angkot

We checked in and went to our rooms. my roommate this time was Anggi. our first room was .... Ummm,,, i dont know how to put it into words. Umm,,, well. I and Anggi were the type of person who think that Bathroom is the most important thing of the room, which it should be clean and comfy. ours were not. Thank God, we changed room and the bathroom was better, not much, but enough. 

The room

after got ourselves registered, i, anggi, maya, uki, devi and salma walked around the hotel, catched the angkot and tried to find the motorcylce rental. It wasn't easy move though. We -who used to ride the motorcycle everywhere in Jogja- had to struggle with the heat of Bali by walking. We gave up and catched another angkot which then brought us the new adventure of wondering the gangs of Bali. It was really something that you couldnt think of. 

The Angkot which brought us inside the gangs of Bali

Later at evening, we had this wonderful opening ceremony in GWK. we had a fine dining in one of the best view restaurant in Bali and be presented very beautiful Bali dancing.  i was amazed by the dance named Bali Mini. it was about the relationship between man and man, man and nature, also man and God. The dance was Epic! Very beautiful coreography and lighting. WELL DONE!

Before the dinner

The next two days were days of presentation. Mine was on the last day of conference. I was nervous like hell. i didnt prepare myself much, because of the black out happened the night before my schedule. i was sleep deprived because Anggi was afraid to Dark and couldnt sleep. So i tried to accompany her but when it was 3 am, i couldnt help myself but falling asleep. In the morning, when i wanted to rehearse my presentation, i found out that the file was missing. 

Presentation time

Fortunately i saved my -almost- done presentation in Anggi's lappy so i didnt have to start over. By the time my time came, i was still nervous. So i said to the audience 

my lecturer once said by being honest about your condition at the moment of stress, you're going to unleash your stress. So i'm going to admit that i'm now having cold hands and very nervous. 

what happened next? 
the audience clapped their hands and all of the sudden i got all the confidence in me to start talking and did the presentation well (i guess). 


Because it was the last day of conference, we had the closing ceremony which was also wonderful. The rest of the night were spent with little bit of shopping. It was such a long tiring day, so we went home right away and rested our body and be prepared for the sunrise seeing in Sanur. 

At 5 am, we left Hotel by motorcycle and rode to Sanur. Before we arrived in Sanur, we stopped at Circle K to buy drinks. Mbak Ima said that there was something wrong with her motorcycle, it couldnt be startered. we all tried our best to startered but none worked. Mbak Ima was sure it wasn't the fuel, because it was full. i and anggi rode our bike ahead to find the mechanic, but none were already opened, so we headed back. 


2 guys helped us to check the machine. no troubles were found. 1 of the guy then opened the fuel tank and he shouted 

no fuel..

we were just starring each other and bursted into great laugh. My God, we spent almost 15 mins, checked on the machine and only found out the only problem was no fuel? You gotta be kidding me. And guess what? The fuel station was right in front of the CK. Felt like God already showed us the answer, it was just us who couldnt understand what He was trying to say in the first place. 


This problem sorted out, we went to Sanur only to find that it was full and it wasnt as good as we thought. I, who asked budi to be our tour guide that day, called Budi and she asked us to go to Mertasari Beach, near her house. So off we went. we met Budi in the halfway and Mertasari was such a beauty. With the sun started to go up, we took bunch of pictures. I also had the chance to catch up with Budi, updated few gossips then Budi invited the 9 of us to her home. 


She showed us what the Balinese's house like. Her house was lovely. i wanted the house like hers. It felt like you have your own art gallery and garden in your house. Soooooo relaxing. If i had the chance to sleep over, i would use my time only to enjoy the atmosphere of the house and SLEEP!! 


After had our mini brekky, we were off to Mangrove forest. It took us about 20 minutes of riding thru By Pass, but it was worth it. The forest was awesome, with lots of spot to take pictures.

The Closing ceremony

Sanur

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mertasari

Budi

mangrove forest

At 9.30 am, we all went back to Denpasar, had Brunch then got ourselves back to hotel. all washed up and ready to check out. By 2 pm, we were already in the bus station, ready to go back to Jogja. 


That was pretty much what happened in Bali. 
Too many details unwritten, but those would always be remembered. 


I had soo much Fun and im sure my friends too. 
It was my first time to present my research in the front of distinguished speakers from all over the world. Even tough i have to suffer another psychosomatic, i dare to take the challenge to be involved in the next conferences.

In the front of the venue

2nd ICICP

 

The Wedding Day of Mine

i  was on facebook few minutes ago, 

then i saw the wedding pictures of my friend. 

Those pictures were beautiful, happy faces were everywherein the photos, gorgeous bride and groom, all family and friends gathered in joyful. the "fun theme" embedded all over the place. 

Then, few pictures paralyzed me -seriously-

the pics which showed a group of foreign people, who were her host family from Europe, attended the wedding. 

Again,, it was actually pretty normal. They are her Europe's parents and siblings. Even tough they are not her natural family, THEY ARE her family. 

so what's the biggie? 

It's a big deal for me because i remember my Mum's words back in 2006. It was few nights away before me leaving Aussie. At the farewell dinner, just before the dessert came, she said

"Nhira when you marry, your husband will give you a ring as a symbol that you are his. Now we give you this (ring), so it means you are part of our family" (Mum Glenda, 8th of July 2006)

Later on that night she said 

"we expect you to invite us on your wedding".  

Such a rhetorical question!! i thought. 

But it didn't elude me to say "OF COURSE I WILL" out loud. As an answer, she hugged me. TIGHT. 

In my mind, i thought 

"all right, this is a promise. unbreakable one. I want all of my aussie family to fly to Samarinda for my wedding and be there, beside me on my wedding day". 

It was a promise made about 5 years ago. 

 Today, i realize that it wont happen. 

I mean, not all of my aussie family will come. 1 thing for sure, Rob won't come. 

Rob (my host dad) passed away 3 years ago, which means he wont be able to stand beside me on my wedding day. 

No silly joke of him, No pops whingeing of him, No famous ridicule smiley face of him. But importantly, No tight hug of him. 

A kind of hug that make you feel like he's transferring all of his energy to you. 

A kind of hug that make you sniff the smell of his body deeply. 

A kind of hug that make your body move as his body moves slowly

Well, this kind of thought occurred to me years ago, even right after i got the news of his death.  

But tonight, those photos made my back rest tiredly. I couldn't help myself, i let the feeling of envy inside me arose.

 So?

I pray to Allah to make the rest of the promise stands, until my wedding day. 

i want the rest of  my aussie family i have and also all of my indonesian family to be there, stand beside me, on my wedding day.

It's simple, isn't it Allah? 

Please... 

I hope You are gonna answer "Yes".  

Taken from: amazingbaloons.co.uk

 

Sepintas pemikiran

Merasa tertekan, capek dan lelah karena semua rutinitas dan permasalahan akhir-akhir ini? 

Rasakanlah semua perasaan tersebut, 
Rasakan semua rasa capeknya, lelahnya dan
Apabila menangis dirasa akan menenangkan, maka menangislah...

Setelah itu? 
Ingatlah bahwa 
Allah tidak akan memberikan suatu permasalahan yang tidak akan mampu dihadapi umatNya. 

Bersyukurlah, 
Karena Allah telah mempercayaimu untuk menghadapi permasalahan tersebut, BUKAN untuk menghukummu tetapi untuk mengajarimu lebih banyak hal.

-Suatu pemikiran tiba-tiba yang muncul di perjalanan pulang setelah kuliah-